A GNMParents Special Report

Can you hear the "special report" music playing in your head? N0? Well ok, anyway...

Stu Mark, editor extraordinare over at GNMParents put up a brave and phenomenal post today.

No Hitting, No Yelling

Awesome piece, brave. And in my comments to Stu I admired him for his bravery and told the tale of the Mom's over at ModernMom basically telling me I would burn in hell in response to the post I had written back in Feb. I promised to put it here for all to see:

From Feb 10, 2007:

First, I think in this country many people have a misconception of "discipline". Unfortunately, it mostly revolves around parents imposing their will upon their child without regard for the child's present psychological state and without respect for the child. There are so many more productive forms of "guidance" (and we are here to guide them to a happy adulthood) that hitting in any form never needs to be used.

Spanking is relevant only to short term success of the behavior of a child, and we now have decades of research that shows that it's not even really successful. If it were an effective form of guidance, a parent would only need spank once. We know that spanking does not teach a child inherent compassion for humanity and respect for their peers. Spanking only teaches a child that 1.) Mom and Dad tell them they are not allowed to hit under any circumstances and yet Mom and Dad can hit...double standard and 2. how to effectively scheme better next time so as to not get caught. And we all did that as children, I'm sure. Think about how you felt when you were spanked. Deep inside did it not crush your heart to think that your loving mom or dad would resort to hitting you?

What are your long term goals for your child? Happiness, well-adjusted productivity, compassion for all living things? Ask yourself if your short term methods of discipline are contributing to your long term goals for your child.

The fact is that there are alternatives and they are abundant. Of course, alternative methods usually require a bit more work on the part of the parent, they are not the easy solution, but when we became parents we all essentially took a vow of doing everything for our child's best interest and not our own.

Two great, and I do mean GREAT resources that can give you real information on the psychology behind the effects of physical discipline and how to use alternates are: Unconditional Parenting, Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn, and Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim and Charles Fay. These two books alone will change many preconceived notions about how to raise happy responsible children without resorting to hitting of any sort.

Resources are abundant today, years ago our forbearer's didn't have the information and research that we enjoy in 2007. We have evolved as a species in the days since the "spare the rod" advice was written. Medically, psychologically, ethically...we are a more enlightened group of beings than poor Abraham's people were. We can evolve when it comes to guiding our children to adulthood as well. I personally, can't ever imagine Jesus spanking a child, not even in the lightest most non-abusive "on the butt" manner. Jesus knew that the heart is hurt much more when a person is physically violated, and he would never want a child's heart to be crushed.

Consider alternatives. Hundreds of years from now they will look back on our methods of guidance and find them simply barbaric, backward and not at all useful. Perhaps a bit like we find the practices of mental institutions from our past centuries.

Holy Info Overload, Batman!

OK, so checking out Cool Mom Pics this morning and finding the must have (The Life Doc Binder from Buttoned Up) lead me on a cruise through the website. I found the Buttoned Up Newspaper columns archive and I think...yep...pretty sure...I won't be hearing my name being called for at least another hour.

In Case of Emergency...

Here in our area today, many of the schools and local government offices are having an Emergency Alert System drill. While I didn't hear the collective sound of the familiar squeal coming from the radio because I was otherwise engaged (you know-on a conference call doing that stuff I get a paycheck for), knowing that it was drill day did remind me that this is a good week to double check our Emergency/Disaster preparedness stash o'stuff.

In third-trimester-insane-mom-mode two years ago I, for the first time in our 16 years of marriage, began to prepare for impending disaster of any and all sorts. Now mind you, I'd never done this before, even though we'd spent a good amount of years living in California (ready to slide off into the ocean and all) and lived to tell about the 1989 San Francisco earthquake. So, needless to say, I was regarded with skepticism about my mental well being. In short, the comment I got was "WHAT's WRONG WITH YOU?", accompanied by much hand gesturing and slow loud talking just in case I'd gone deaf and brain dead at the same time.

So, this is your mommy reminder. Check your disaster preparedness plan. If you don't have one yet but have been meaning to start one, don't go all gung-ho and try to do it in one fell swoop. Just a little at a time will do the trick and before you know it you'll be ready for everything from a power outage to a full scale post-apocolyptic, Mad Max, nuclear holocaust.

Also, preparing will ensure you won't have to run around in grungy, torn-up sweatshirts and eat gruel, a la Matrix style. Tres important!

There are a lot of great websites out there but I especially like Ready America because it makes things simple and easy with printouts and instructions as well as videos. Personally, I like to keep a clipboard with a list hung near my disaster cache and pick up an extra item or two every so often at the grocery store. Don't forget to raid the cache once in a while to keep things fresh.

Actually, I should probably follow my own advice, since I still have cans of Enfamil (blech) in mine and its been how long since Jude switched to milk (also known here as "Moke")?

In my never ending quest for knowledge, wisdom and know-how for all this child raising stuff, I somehow stumbled upon the good people over at Love and Logic. I'd had their book, Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood for quite a while, obtained during one of those frantic I must purchase every book ever written on parenting moments, you know, the moments where your credit card nearly blows up?

I read the book nearly a year and a half ago, thinking "this is great stuff", but since we were not yet into the toddler years, much of it wasn't really applicable in an everyday sense.

Fast forward a year, and I'm frantically searching for the book on my shelves and reading, re-reading, highlighting and attempting to commit whole sections to memory.

The Love and Logic philosophy created by Jim Fay, Charles Fay, Ph.D and Foster W. Cline, M.D. so far has proven to be a really practical solution for happily productive interaction here at Valhalla Mommykind. While I personally don't agree with every idea purported by the Love and Logic fellas (I have my own wacky ideas about the negative effects of timeout and using a child's room as a place for disciplinary guidance) their techniques seem to work quite beautifully.

In their own words from their extensive site, here's Love and Logic in a nutshell:

What Is Love and Logic?

Children learn the best lessons when they're given a task and allowed to make their own choices (and fail) when the cost of failure is still small. Children's failures must be coupled with love and empathy from their parents and teachers.

This practical and straightforward philosophy is backed with 20 years of experience. Parents can apply it immediately to a wide range of situations instead of struggling with difficult counseling procedures.

Why Does It Work?

• Uses humor, hope, and empathy to build up the adult/child relationship
• Emphasizes respect and dignity for both children and adults
• Provides real limits in a loving way
• Teaches consequences and healthy decision-making

What Parents and Educators Have to Say

"After studying this parenting program, 'Becoming a Love and Logic Parent,' I rave about the fact that it has helped me and other parents I know develop usable, practical skills, as opposed to just learning another theory about what I should be doing."

- Peter Burnett, parent, Portland, Ore.

"My teachers and I could see the advantages to the school of putting parents' back in control.' My job as a school administrator is much less stressful now thanks to Love and Logic."

- Judy Griswold, principal, Aurora, Colo.

Cruise on over and check them out. The website itself has a lot to offer in the way of articles, podcasts and video clips. We think they are trailblazers when it comes to sorting out the practical from the big brained theory (which I find fascinating as well, btw, I'm sure you'll be hearing from me on those topics soon) and giving parents concrete ways to cope with the frustration of not knowing how to best guide their children to happy productive lives.

British Crackdown on Junk Food Ads Praised

Last week the Center for Science in the Public Interest weighed in on the final statement from Ofcom (Office of Communications, the UK's television and radio broadcasting watchdog) regarding the ban on junk food ads during programming aimed at children 16 and under. CSPI praises the ban and suggests that we here in the US need similar restrictions on ads during children's programming.

I can't say that I would object to fewer, or even NO advertising which promotes unhealthy eating habits here on our own soil. It's hard enough to always have the healthiest choices available on hand even without the additional pressure of junk food ads everywhere we turn. As busy as mom's are, just the idea of getting anything on the table to eat can at times seem overwhelming, forget it it if involves anything much more complicated than a drive through order.

I think we can all agree that clearly, something needs to be done about the health of children in our country. I say kudos to the UK for taking those first hard steps. Maybe, we as moms need to speak up, write letters to the food manufacturers, the FCC , the FTC and anyone else that might have a part in helping or hurting the health of America's children. I'm not suggesting that speaking up and demanding firmer restrictions here absolves us of teaching our children at home what choices are good and bad. FAR from it. I realize that the media cannot be blamed for all of our woes. We have to do our best at home too.

Speaking of doing our best regarding health at home, PunditMom addresses this issue today over on PunditMom Reviews with her review of Good Kids, Bad Habits: The RealAge Guide to Raising Healthy Children Check it out! I think you'll enjoy it.

If you're anything like me, the whole "fridge food storage" issue has been one that has remained a work in progress. What to use? Wrap things in foil or plastic wrap? Go for the whole Tupperware extravaganza fridge and food storage solution decor? Chuck it all and use the new disposable GladWare and Ziploc solution? Drag out my not yet used but "must have now!" vacuum food storage saver? All of this in the name of delaying that when-last-nights-beef stew-inevitably- becomes-the-much-feared-science-experiment, or- your-own-home-grown-penicillin gag fest that must occur eventually.

Someone needs to study the psychology behind it all, honestly.

Before Thanksgiving last year I decided to take the plunge and be suckered into purchasing the
Sharper Image Fresher Longer Miracle Food Storage
set. Actually, in fact, I "accidentally" ordered two sets, one of which I had planned to return...who needs all that storage, right?

My $69.99 x2 has ended up being a worthy investment. Whatever they put in this stuff does inhibit bacteria growth (in my own unofficial lab tests) even in light of all the recent controversy regarding silver nanoparticles. You can Google up a dozen test runs to read on Fresher Longer vs. Rubbermaid, glass jars and various other container types and find a wide range of results. BUT...what most of the comparison info out there does not take into account is...well...being a Mom.

Yes, glass jars may be superior in the time to fuzz factor, but we can't really be putting lots of them in the fridge when we have a two-year-old who has just learned about the amazing and utterly fascinating world of the cold recesses of the fridge interior, now can we? And Rubbermaid may be "just as good" (although not in my own personal experience) but what these testers didn't seem to consider was the slight to severe OCD that becoming a mom induces. What Fresher Longer has going for it is that super cool and highly satisfying snap on lid feature that feels like no other, AND the way they look so incredibly organized, stacked so perfectly (and they can't be stacked imperfectly) in your refrigerator. They actually made me WANT to cook, just so I can store and stack these amazing little boxes.

When you're having a day where the kids are pulling things out as fast as you are putting them away, you can escape to your own mini-nirvana by simply opening your refrigerator and looking inside for a moment of calm, peaceful, zenlike organization and say to yourself, "oh yes, I AM the rockin'est Mom on the planet".

Mom fuel!

It's tough for moms to get quality, nutritional fuel on the run. But this cereal does the trick. Nature's Path Flax Plus Rasin Bran. Not only does it taste great (especially with a few raspberries tossed on top) but it provides 11 grams of fiber in one serving! 11 grams!! That's nearly half of the recommended daily amount for us moms. Where else can you get such power nutrition packed into one serving? Tough to beat. Fiber is more and more on the forefront of cancer and disease prevention it seems. Flax is a miracle food too. Packed with Omega 3s it's great for a skin glowing and hair softening powerboost (yes, I am a Dr. Perricone devotee).

Try it...you'll LIKE it...

Two new ways to be an uber, cool, and totally organized Mom.


For those out there who are Bibliophiles:
Library Thing

That's right! Catalog all your books online. Share, review, talk, read the Library Thing blog, and access your library from any mobile device!
Someplace to log all those Dr. Suess books and...others.
A free account lets you keep 200 books on file, a lifetime unlimited membership is $25. For me, this is very close to heaven!



For those out there who are Vinophiles:
Cork'd

Create and keep your own Cellar, keep a wine journal, make and print shopping lists, add buddies and swap recommendations! Oh and of course, check out the Cork'd blog or Wine Library TV hosted by Gary Vaynerchuk. It's fun, it's free and the next time you have dinner with friends you may actually have something other than Blues Clues or Dora the Explorer to dish about.

Mommy timesaver!!!

The Schick Intuition Razor.

I actually picked this up by accident one day at the store while simultaneously attempting to shop and keep Octopus Arms (aka Jude) from putting every item in the store into our basket (and oh yes, I was tempted to use bungee cords). I would have never tried it otherwise.

This thing rocks...

OK, I'll admit it. I'm a vacuum 'Ho. It's not all my fault though because I live with a vacuum Pimpdaddy. He encourages the habit...he's just as much at fault for believing that somehow, someday, somewhere...we two shall find...a vacuum that brings our little Valhalla peace on earth.

He may have almost found it.

I was so skeptical, I scoffed in my superior vacummhighness. It was three weeks until I deemed it worthy to even touch. I was wrong, Mommykind...oh so very, very wrong.

Case in point, Vacuum purchase #13:
The Swivel Sweeper



I'm in no way exaggerating here. This thing is unreal. It's light. It's the perfect broom. You will whisk from room to room in joy! Kitchen, bathroom, hallway, kids rooms all a breeze! It is the perfect everyday solution for those annoying STAIRS we all hate so much. It empties easily. It holds a fantastic charge. It's SO GOOD for all Mommykind!

IF it could be made to handle wetish stuff, it would be sweeping nirvana.

But...don't get me wrong...I'm still angling for an iRobot Roomba.

I've just signed up over at The House Fairy! This is a program targeted toward moms helping kids happily keep their rooms clean and clutter free! The House Fairy says we can even start with our two year olds (Hey Jude, here comes The House Fairy.) Check it out. If you're already using The House Fairy let me know what you think!

Everyone needs a Mommy Mantra!

According to authors Bethany E. Casarjian, Ph.D., and Diane H. Dillon, Ph.D.,"Mommy Mantras are phrases you can say in your head or out loud if you need to, during those trying moments of mothering. They act to empower you, revive you, and remind you that there is always another way to see your situation. Buddhist-inspired and psychologically grounded, these snippets of wisdom derive from entertaining and universal stories of unpredictable life with children."

It's true. They are.

They also work for dealings with your overworked IT people, as well as many other head-banging-on-desk situations you may find yourself in.

Here's one to get you started, it also happens to be my favorite (you'll see why below).

"Within me there is a peacefulness that cannot be disturbed", but I like to add "by (insert here current reason for feelings of non-peace deep within...e.g. boneheads, bricks, clueless ones, that guy who coughs through the whole movie...whatever favorite label seems applicative at the time)". It works. Chant it and see. Although, I'm pretty sure my additions would be frowned upon by your average Buddhist monk.

I'm not the only one who found the Mantras useful. Just check out the praise over at the Mommy Mantras site. We've got:


“This is the book I wish that I had had as a young mother, for those five-o-clock -the witching hours- when the kids were screaming, the dinner was burning, and Hawaii was just too far away. Mommy Mantras might not calm the kids or save the dinner, but it will surely help any mother find her inner beach, that peaceful serene and centered place within her that gets lost in the mad shuffle of parenthood. Written with warmth, humor and compassion, Mommy Mantras should be required reading for anyone with children.” Elizabeth Marek, author of Beyond the Waves and The Children of Santa Clara

and...

“While an irreverent, funny description of modern mothering in the trenches, the book’s premise - that how one thinks about experiences (the mantras) affects one’s mental health and behavior (mothering) is based on solid psychological science underlying cognitive behavior therapy and the growing literature on mindfulness.” Marla Brassard, Ph.D., Assoc. Professor of Psychology & Education, Teachers College, Columbia University, author of Psychological Maltreatment of Children

as well as...

“I love this book! I repeat the mantras at the pediatrician’s office, at preschool parent- teacher conferences, and in the bathroom and closet, my two hiding places for instant meditation. Casarjian and Dillon are brilliant at weaving together ancient Buddhist wisdom and psychology with humor and poignant stories that will help even the most stressed out moms (like me). Thank you!” Terese J. Borchard, editor of The Imperfect Mom

Read it, you'll find your favorites, and maybe start to make up a few of your own.

Be There. Say "yes" as often as possible. Let them bang on pots and pans. If They're crabby, put them in water. If they're unlovable,love yourself. Realize how important it is to be a child. Go to a drive-in theater in your pajamas. Read books out loud with joy. Invent pleasures together. Remember how really small they are. Giggle a lot. Surprise them. Say "no" when necessary. Teach feelings. Heal your own inner child. Learn about parenting. Hug trees together. Make loving safe. Bake a cake and eat it with no hands. Go find elephants and kiss them. Plan to build a rocket ship. Imagine yourself magic. Make lots of forts with blankets. Let your angel fly. Reveal your own dreams. Search out the positive. Keep the gleam in your eye. Mail letters to God. Encourage silly. Plant licorice in your garden. Open up. Stop yelling. Express your love. A LOT. Speak kindly. Paint their tennis shoes. Handle with caring.

CHILDREN ARE MIRACULOUS!

~ by SARK

For years I've loved SARK and all of her fabulous, colorful, nurturing art and literture. Hurry, hurry! Go buy her "How to Love a Child" blanket throw and a few of her books and...like she says, let your angel fly!