Can you hear the "special report" music playing in your head? N0? Well ok, anyway...
Stu Mark, editor extraordinare over at GNMParents put up a brave and phenomenal post today.
No Hitting, No Yelling
Awesome piece, brave. And in my comments to Stu I admired him for his bravery and told the tale of the Mom's over at ModernMom basically telling me I would burn in hell in response to the post I had written back in Feb. I promised to put it here for all to see:
From Feb 10, 2007:
First, I think in this country many people have a misconception of "discipline". Unfortunately, it mostly revolves around parents imposing their will upon their child without regard for the child's present psychological state and without respect for the child. There are so many more productive forms of "guidance" (and we are here to guide them to a happy adulthood) that hitting in any form never needs to be used.
Spanking is relevant only to short term success of the behavior of a child, and we now have decades of research that shows that it's not even really successful. If it were an effective form of guidance, a parent would only need spank once. We know that spanking does not teach a child inherent compassion for humanity and respect for their peers. Spanking only teaches a child that 1.) Mom and Dad tell them they are not allowed to hit under any circumstances and yet Mom and Dad can hit...double standard and 2. how to effectively scheme better next time so as to not get caught. And we all did that as children, I'm sure. Think about how you felt when you were spanked. Deep inside did it not crush your heart to think that your loving mom or dad would resort to hitting you?
What are your long term goals for your child? Happiness, well-adjusted productivity, compassion for all living things? Ask yourself if your short term methods of discipline are contributing to your long term goals for your child.
The fact is that there are alternatives and they are abundant. Of course, alternative methods usually require a bit more work on the part of the parent, they are not the easy solution, but when we became parents we all essentially took a vow of doing everything for our child's best interest and not our own.
Two great, and I do mean GREAT resources that can give you real information on the psychology behind the effects of physical discipline and how to use alternates are: Unconditional Parenting, Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn, and Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim and Charles Fay. These two books alone will change many preconceived notions about how to raise happy responsible children without resorting to hitting of any sort.
Resources are abundant today, years ago our forbearer's didn't have the information and research that we enjoy in 2007. We have evolved as a species in the days since the "spare the rod" advice was written. Medically, psychologically, ethically...we are a more enlightened group of beings than poor Abraham's people were. We can evolve when it comes to guiding our children to adulthood as well. I personally, can't ever imagine Jesus spanking a child, not even in the lightest most non-abusive "on the butt" manner. Jesus knew that the heart is hurt much more when a person is physically violated, and he would never want a child's heart to be crushed.
Consider alternatives. Hundreds of years from now they will look back on our methods of guidance and find them simply barbaric, backward and not at all useful. Perhaps a bit like we find the practices of mental institutions from our past centuries.
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